Halfway through the conversation the second engineer stops and says: "Promise you will not tell the captain." You want to say yes. It is the natural thing to say, it will keep him talking, and it is the one promise you must never make.
Be honest up front
Say it early, before they tell you anything, and say it plainly.
"I am not going to go gossiping about this — it stays between us. The only thing I cannot promise is that I would keep it to myself if I thought you were in danger, or the boat was. If it ever came to that, I would tell you first, and I would go with you."
That is the honest position, and it holds because it is honest. If you promise absolute secrecy, one of two things happens: you break it and destroy their trust in you and probably in the next person they might have told, or you keep it and carry a risk to life alone. Neither is acceptable.
What confidentiality does mean: you do not discuss it in the crew mess, you do not tell your best mate on another boat, you do not mention it to the chief stew "for context". Discretion is most of the job, and crew notice who can hold something.
Where it stops: a risk to life, or a risk to the safety of the vessel. Then it goes up, and you tell the person that it is going up.
Do not become their therapist
Being the one person someone trusts is heavy, and it will creep. Two 40-minute conversations become nightly ones, and you become the whole support structure for a person who needs a professional.
- Support, do not treat. Keep pointing outward: the captain, the yacht medical route, telemedical advice, the management company, a doctor at home, a seafarer welfare service.
- Keep your own boundaries. "I am wiped tonight — can we talk tomorrow after service?" is a kind and honest sentence, not abandonment.
- Notice your own load. If supporting them is flattening you, that is information. Get support yourself.
When it is your boss
Awkward, and it happens — captains and HODs are people, and they are often the loneliest ones onboard.
- Ask like a human, not a subordinate. Privately, briefly, once: "You have had a hell of a run. Are you doing okay?"
- Do not manage their job for them or take on their responsibilities.
- If a person in a safety-critical role is genuinely unfit to perform it, that must go somewhere — the management company or DPA exists for exactly this, and the complaints procedure is a legitimate route.
When it is your subordinate
You have more power here, so use it carefully.
- Separate the welfare conversation from the performance conversation. Never open with the standards slipping.
- Do not gather information you would later use against them.
- You can adjust things — a watch, a task, a day. Do it without commentary.
- Loop in your HOD or captain where you must, and tell the person you are doing it.
Onboard Notes
- Never promise absolute secrecy. State the limit up front: risk to life or to the vessel.
- If you have to escalate, tell them first and go with them.
- Support, do not treat. Keep signposting outward and keep your own boundaries.
- Rank changes the conversation but not the duty — up or down the ladder, ask, listen, escalate honestly.
- Preparatory study only. Not a certificate and not clinical training. Recognise, listen, signpost, escalate - never diagnose, treat or counsel.