You have decided to say something to the deckhand who has gone quiet. You corner him on the aft deck, ask "you all right, mate?" while walking past with a bucket, get "yeah, fine" back, and that is that. You have technically asked. You both know you did not really.
Set it up properly
You cannot control how it goes, but you can control the conditions.
- Somewhere private enough. Not the crew mess, not on the radio. A walk ashore, the dock, a quiet corner.
- When there is time. Not ninety seconds before guest arrival.
- Side by side beats face to face. Cleaning a tender together, walking, coiling lines. It is easier to say hard things when you are not being stared at.
Ask directly and simply
Vague questions get vague answers. Name what you have actually noticed, without judgement, and then ask.
"I have noticed you have not been eating with us for a couple of weeks and you seem really flat. I am not being nosy. I am asking because I am worried about you. How are you doing, really?"
That is the whole technique. Observation, reason, open question. Then stop talking.
If you get "I am fine" and you do not believe it: ask once more, gently. "Okay. I am asking again because you do not seem fine, and I would rather be annoying than useless." Then leave the door open and mean it: "I am around. Any time."
Listen without fixing
The strongest instinct you will have is to solve it. Resist it. The single most useful thing you can do is let someone say a true thing out loud to a person who does not flinch.
- Sit with the discomfort. Silence is not a failure. Let it run.
- Do not interrogate. You are not taking a statement. No pressing for details they are not offering.
- Do not minimise. Do not compare it to your own worse week.
- Check you understood. "So it sounds like it is the sleep more than the work itself?"
What not to say
| Do not say | Why it lands badly |
|---|---|
| "At least you are not..." | Ranks their pain and dismisses it |
| "Everyone is tired, it is a hard season" | Tells them they have no right to feel this |
| "Have you tried just getting some sun / going to the gym?" | Turns a serious thing into a lifestyle tip |
| "You do not seem depressed to me" | Contradicts the one true thing they risked saying |
| "Do not tell anyone else, I have got you" | A promise you may not be able to keep — see the next lesson |
| Nothing at all, then avoiding them | The loudest message on this list |
Close it properly
End with something concrete and small. "Can I check in with you Thursday?" You are not signing up to be their therapist. You are being a person who noticed and came back.
Onboard Notes
- Private enough, unhurried, side by side.
- Name what you noticed, say why you are asking, then ask directly and shut up.
- Listen, do not fix. Silence is allowed. Interrogation is not.
- Never minimise, never rank their pain, never promise total secrecy.
- Leave with a concrete next check-in, and actually do it.
- Preparatory study only. Not a certificate and not clinical training. Recognise, listen, signpost, escalate - never diagnose, treat or counsel.